Thursday, April 2, 2015

The Plot of Almost Every Christian Movie Ever

It has been far too long since I have posted here! My days have been filled with scholarships and finishing up my senior year of high school. I will be posting some more articles soon! On a whim, I wrote this brief satyrical article. I hope you enjoy it! 

Guy: Hi, I am the ridiculously handsome backslidden Christian who is involved with a bad crowd of friends and plays football in his spare time. Did I mention I was handsome?

Non-Christian Best Friend: Right on man!

Non-Christian Girlfriend: I love you for your sin and money, mostly your money. 

Guy’s Christian Former Best Friend: I don’t know what happened to you that you walked away from the Lord but I’m praying for you.

Mom: That might be my fault.

Christian Former Best Friend: What?

Mom: You see, his father and I are having martial problems because I am a strong Christian and he is an unsaved bum.

Unsaved Bum Husband: Hey! Oh, wait. That’s actually true.

Beautiful Christian Girl: Hi! I’m the new girl at school with a bright yet aloof personality because I am so in love with Jesus.

Guy: Wow!

Non-Christian Girlfriend: You like her! I’m breaking up with you!

Guy: Okay. Hey, Beautiful Christian Girl, wanna go on a date?

Beautiful Christian Girl: No. You’re not a Christian and my parents won’t let me date. But you could come to youth group with me.

Guy: Um…okay.

Hip Youth Pastor: Hi! I’m the Hip Youth Pastor who had a checkered past but was radically saved and now I wear fashionable Christian attire and preach cool culturally relevant sermons. 

Guy: You seem kind of cool.

Hip Youth Pastor: *dons sunglasses* I am. If you’re ever in a life-crisis, come to me for support.

Unsaved Bum Husband: I’m leaving you.

Mom: What! Actually, okay.

Guy: My parents are breaking up! What a life crisis!

Hip Youth Pastor: You rang?

Guy: Not yet. I’m not at the end of my rope.

Non-Christian Best Friend: You rang?

Guy: No, I no longer fit in with you since my previously-seared conscience was magically revived.

Non-Christian Best Friend: What! I’m leaving you! And I’m dating your Ex-Girlfriend!

Guy: What! Nooooo!

Christian Former Best Friend: You should come to the Hip Youth Pastor with me.

Guy: Okay.

Hip Youth Pastor: I was just like you once. In fact, when I accepted Jesus my life became so much better! Do you want to accept Him?

Guy: Um, sure!

 Hip Youth Pastor: Okay, repeat this prayer…

*Touching music plays while we see them start to pray*

Guy: Hey mom, I’m a Christian!

Mom: Good for you! I noticed that because of your sudden change in attire!

Beautiful Christian Girl: Hey! I can date you now!

Guy: Yay!

Unsaved Bum Husband: Having seen your change in life, son, I’ve decided to become a Christian too.

All: Yay!

*Ending shot of all in church. Credits play with hip Christian worship song.*

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